almost

It has been over three years since I was first diagnosed with anorexia. Three years since I fell to the floor and cried out for help. Three years since I completed therapy. SO WHY DO I STILL WALK BY THE MIRROR HATING WHAT I SEE??!?!?!?!!?!?!?

I have to admit this walk is not easy and most days are better than others but there is still that lingering voice in the back of my head that says "no one could ever love you, look at you!!!" UGH!!! Try as I might to drown out this voice by concetrating on school, friends, God, sometimes...sometimes this voice drowns out all of my reason and I give in...almost.

I almost give in and go to the gym and work out furiously for three hours...bike 40 miles, stretch and do an ab workout, go back and hop on the elyptical and go for another hour...almost. I almost am tempted to look at how many calories are in the bowl of soup I just grabbed...what about the crackers to go in the soup. Okay, so I almost counted how many more calories I could burn by walking briskly back to my apartment after lunch...almost.

I almost allow myself to believe the food I am putting in my mouth tastes like sand...dry, grainy, and unsatisfying. I almost allow myself myself to believe if I was skinnier someone would love me more. I almost let myself believe if I were skinnier/prettier my family love me more.

I open up my eyes and the tears flow down my face silently...they feel like hot irons piercing my skin.

Almost believing is not the same as believing...almost believing is being able to shut down and contemplate how things were and could be...for a moment I almost let myself go down that road again. It was in the instant I looked back to what I had left behind when I realized I couldn't live without what I had come to rely on so heavily.

LOVE.

Love of friends and love of God...this is what keeps me strong and pulls me through each day...because I know even if I can't love myself today...someone does...and that is what pulls me back from an ALMOST.